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A quiet summer Friday afternoon in New York’s East Village. I’d just come from Ray’s Candy Store, where I’d ordered a large vanilla egg cream. Down the block, I stopped to browse the paperbacks for sale on a table set up on the corner of Avenue A and St. Mark’s Place. An old geezer standing next to me caught my eye – or rather his t-shirt did. A plain white undershirt with words scribbled on it, obviously homemade. As we crossed the street together and walked into Tompkins Square Park, my curiosity got the best of me so I turned to him and looked. Hand-scrawled in black Sharpee ink was the message, “Fuck a Horse. Enjoy a Stable Relationship.” I couldn’t resist. “That’s some t-shirt!” “Thanks,” the old guy responded. “I made it at home! In my apartment!” I immediately pictured his apartment: rent-controlled, dark, old newspapers stacked in tall piles. As I asked him if I could take a picture, I wondered what brought him to the moment where he not only came up with the expression but decided it a good idea to write it on a t-shirt and wear it in public. Obviously, my new friend had not been lucky in love.
It’s not every day you come across stories like this. At PleaseKillMe.com, we understand that there are all types of journalists – investigative reporters, TV correspondents, gossip columnists, opinion writers and muckrakers of all sorts. And while we can’t all be Woodward and Bernstein, our team of crack reporters scours our community, our town and the world at large to bring you the trending topics of the day and the news you want. We ask the hard-hitting questions so you don’t have to. We do the sleuthing, we shadow the beat cop, wear out the shoe leather, work our sources and get the scoop. We keep our eye on the teletype machine and file on deadline, all so you don’t have to. And once a month, we’ll collect and deliver the stories you may have missed!
PleaseKillMe.com’s STOP THE PRESSES.
This month’s news items come from my own hometown newspaper, the Traverse City (MI) Record Eagle:
Man defecates in downtown Suttons Bay, tells deputies he’s foraging
TRAVERSE CITY — An early morning outdoor bathroom break in downtown Suttons Bay earned one man a night in Leelanau County’s jail.
A Leelanau County sheriff’s deputy spotted a 46-year-old Ypsilanti man squatting with his pants around his ankles just after 2 a.m. Wednesday near a business in the 100 block of St. Joseph Street, according to a release.
The man, who authorities believe was intoxicated, pulled his pants up and tried to walk away but the deputy confronted him, the release states.
The deputy checked the area where the man was first spotted and determined he had both defecated and urinated. The man told the deputy he was walking around “foraging for a plant that is common in Traverse City area,” the release states.
The man was arrested on suspicion of being a disorderly person and indecent exposure.
Deputies: Man tries to enter camper, leaves, eats Hot Pocket
TRAVERSE CITY — A report of a drunken man in Traverse City State Park led authorities to an inebriated man scarfing down a Hot Pocket.
Grand Traverse County sheriff’s deputies early Tuesday arrested a Harrison man, 39, on suspicion of disorderly conduct. Authorities said deputies responded to the state park at about 1:30 a.m. on a call about a man who snooped around a camper.
The suspect tried to enter the camper, which had the caller and the caller’s family inside, authorities said. The caller told deputies the suspect became aggressive after being confronted.
Deputies found the suspect sitting in a friend’s vehicle eating a Hot Pocket, authorities said. His blood-alcohol content tested at 0.26 percent.
Front row rush leads to arrest
TRAVERSE CITY — A Howell man did not stop, collaborate or listen to National Cherry Festival security guards who removed him from the festival’s 90s Dance Party 2.0.
The man, 26, re-entered the Fourth of July show and “rushed the stage to try to dance with Vanilla Ice” at 9:39 p.m., Traverse City police Capt. Jim Bussell said.
Security guards stopped the man before he climbed on stage to join Vanilla Ice and the others dancing on stage.
The guards held the man until police officers arrived. Officers arrested the man on suspicion of disorderly conduct.